Falling From A Shooting Star...

It's been a while.

I wish i could say i've been looking down from a star. But i've been grounded. And landed hard have i on this fragile plot of land. Stripped of every dose of sanity and sense. Blinded by words and emotions that turn to dust in the sunlight. Taunted by paradoxes and contradictions.

The beats they transcend upon me like a current. I am taken into refuge; the alms of an invisible yet unbending force. I look up from the ground once again. And i remember.

Whichever way we choose to look at things, it should never stunt us from truly being and embracing.

I'm craving for some lamb chop.

Picking Up Stardust.

The days they only exist in moments we call 'now'
Yesterday was a dream, tomorrow is a vision
And yet the beauty of memories and dreams lives on.

I wish understanding were enough.
These moments are fragile
I wish i could hold onto them long enough
But tomorrow becomes today
And later becomes now
Yesterday is a distant; a memory.

Overlooking the view from raised grounds
I tap into a moment lost in time
Feelings came rushing in as though they never left
And it felt like just yesterday;
Embraced in good times
And security you wished never let go of you.

One by one, i cut these ties that bind me
Before it is too late
Before it becomes a part of me;
A liberating pain.

It's so easy to say things;
To tell someone what they need to do or should;
To say that this is right and that is wrong;
To condemn; to justify; to find fault;
But what comes next is more than breathing into the air;
Carve ye' thy words out of air?
Or breath ye' forgotten dust into the wind?

New faces fill the days as the moon slowly reveals itself by night
Early dawn when life is still,
The moonlight is a whisper in the breeze;
An eerie longing of a door that leads to a past;
And the shadows cast are nostalgic;
Secrets lie behind those shadows.

Life has been a misunderstood beau;
My muse has gone on vacation
And i stand alone with what's left of her nurturing.
She's smiling from an unmeasured distance
As i tremble for the words
And attempt to bridge meanings;
To look for inspiration in the foggy mirror of dawn;
Or dreams that have seeped into my pillow covers at night;
Or poems that are left by the stain of lip gloss on my early morning milk mug;
I search and I search,
And I am weary.
I'm still searching.

-25.09.07-

Criss Cross Rain.

An unfinished feeling...

10.09.07- Unwell and annoyed. Useless cravings of sweet things; I steal a bite of chocolate but taste nothing. The hush-hush excitement burning anxiety. September breezes and freak wind storms. I have so much and yet nothing to say. I want to be filled with that feeling again. It's so far.

This is one of the many unpublished drafts and incomplete post...heck, bon apatite*

. . . . . . . . . .

There stood Will and Desire;
In a world where dreams are made destinations and pleasure unlimited stops;
The thought that is cast out loud belongs to you, belongs to me.

This could go on forever. If only it made sense. Be it one phrase or a whole page. There I stood in all of bleakness. For some I would see colors and the unbent will to be different and stand out from a crowd. For others it is a reality of black and white, for good and evil, for sorrow and joy, for suffering and pain, for happiness at the cost of another's misery. But for one person's thoughts echoing out loud; be you the audience, or be you in my moccasins.
It was unplanned for. But at a moment like this I was not to pass a night out on the road. With company I delighted and the ambiance I sought. The speed started accelerating and being at the back seat somehow I felt fear. The power of unchallenged swift beckons fault. I could only pray that the wheel was still sane. But I could not deny that I too felt the angst of the driver that night. Reaching our desired stop; anticipation and observation. And walking with my guard up and feeling all eyes averted towards the moving crowd of four, each step was taken in poise. It was a moment of blending into the scene and of insecurity. It was a moment of stepping into the third person's watch and judging. It was a moment of seeking temporary certainty. If I were to sit and surround myself with conscious walls I would perhaps say that the atmosphere was superficially disgusting. But to be part of the crowd and assert your own existence whether the world around you is shut or whether you stand on a stage is an opposing stance. To be or not to be?
The beats just filled my veins. But consciousness brings me back like awaking from a dream where you dreamt of waking up but you're only dreaming of waking up; and it goes on and on.

. . . . . . . . . . .

I Love You-ness.

Listening to: Beautiful World -Coldplay
Feeling: Strange

Now playing: Trouble -Coldplay

The air is humid. It's been raining the past few days. Still, I wake up fresh and dress to embrace the cold. I think i over-use the word 'weird'. I love it secretly for it's the one word i can think of to describe my bubbling euphoria of curiosity and excitement. But note that such events that occur aren't always good; yet the thrill of the unknown and unfamiliar is a beautiful weird thing at an angle. Honestly, it's only a matter of time before i turn to my expressions.

There has been a lot of tiny pleasant moments that we could simply overlook, but i guess part of being neurotic and highly sensitive makes me aware of such things (ha-ha--why couldn't i just say 'being grateful?'). It's just a matter of how you deal with things and how you make of it. There has been frustrations and distance i cannot comprehend. But at some point it seems only fair to suggest balance. Haven't you had days were things were just too good for some time it just felt dull? Well not that i would be complaining; after a lot of drama you would enjoy the stillness. But there is only so much sunshine you could take before you start to burn and wished for drops of cooling rain. Well same goes for the matter the other way around; when life seems bleak and your sole mission is to get by the days just one at a time, a carefree sunny day is only in a prayer.

Personally, it's been weird. An addictive kind of weird. Its like walking side by side with uncertainty for so long it would be peculiar not to have that dose of uncertainty. Just enough to aid the certainties, no? I mean hey, it would be a bit dull if you were certain of everything, no?

There are two things certain in life (apart from death & taxes); uncertainty & change.

Currently my concerns are divided between my work and my social circle . Time, time, time. If i said yes to every single demand that would leave me weary and practically lifeless even through all the 'busyness'. But what i choose to say 'yes' or '' to is another matter. Decide on what's more important--of course, if only it were that easy. What if you had 20 important people in your life and you had to fit each one into your schedule? Maybe if you had unlimited resources...perhaps possible. But there's only so much time, money, and energy that always seem to be an excuse for inconveniences . Lalalala~*

On another page:

'Our movie trailer should be rated-T.'
'T?'
'Yah, teen-rated. T-E-E-N.'
'Oh?'
'T-rated for small violence, small politics, small s**.'

C h e e r S

1OAugustO7.

WARNING: fcuking long post.

FEELING:


My mind must be a mess. There has been a lot of pondering and contemplation. And i have no idea where to begin. Telepopmusic plays my escape--Just Breathe. Sigh*
Omg. It's a Friday...and you know what they say about Friday nights...do you?? I don't care..
I'll make me a nice warm cup of earl grey after this (damnit i only have one darjeeling tea bag left!) and snuggle with my Spilling Open book...

The days have been willingly pleasant and strange. The days have been good. with leaks of subtle drama and thrills. There were a lot of deep convos on life and everyday norm; inspirations on living a dream; harsh realities we deal with everyday; and the many many wanderings that so often catch us off guard.

Earlier i couldn't help but overhear a conversation from a table beside talking about religion...it sounded so intriguing that i wanted to just pull a chair out and join in....the matter of the fact is i wasn't even sure what the argument was. still it sounded pretty interesting to share the point of view of another person.
Crazy this world, no?
One person insists that his way is right; 1 million people tell you their's is the right way; 1 million right ways all differing from each other.
.....
College has been quite exciting. I'm learning more and more about my course and it seems to be fueling a foundation for passion. It's not merely the workload. It's putting in your best efforts despite the boundaries put on you; or just making the most with what little you've been given; just something about making things work towards your advantage.

I realized how important it is to count your blessings. Seriously. There's always something to be grateful about in a day (it's tad bit too overrated from me to mention those little things..but you'll know what i mean..).

It's not a perfect world, yes. We're not perfect, that's why we're human. Spirits on a human journey some say....humans on a spiritual journey to others. (Pardon me for i'm on train of random thoughts now)...
Some of the little dramas (or dramatically big) that happen in our daily lives, although we may constantly be flinging our arms out in eXtreme gestures describing such events, complaining perhaps, whining perhaps, venting out perhaps, we secretly do yearn for such occurs...
I'm not saying all the dramas...or course there are always those unwanted ones...

But these things big or small are what gives us a chance to express ourselves. We may be despising the subject matter of what we're complaining about but the whole point of it is just to be heard. To express. Then again you could get teeny-tiny matters probably not even worth bringing up (those things people go on about 24/7 you don't really want to hear about...)
Back to being grateful for blessings big or small, we humans tend to (or need to!) exaggerate our selves just to make our life seem bigger...or our existence matter. For one, we're constantly finding a reason for our existence and for all other Big Questions about life and what not.
....
Sometimes it feels hard to express myself knowing that in another part of the world war is happening, poverty, and every rising global issue. Lets not go too far out of Malaysia and you can already find such occurs; its a global thing and it happens every part of the world. On the ground that i walk on daily it's enough to find the harsh realities of the world we live in.
It's scary. It's intriguing. It's insane. It's beautiful. It's sickening. It's everything that it is.

How can i be happy when at this moment a child is being abused and is hanging by the thread of his life? How can i exaggerate about the beauty of a cup of tea when someone is dying of thirst?
How can i complain that what i have is not enough when someone else has absolutely nothing to begin with? Not even the knowledge of the ideals of love we so often strive to obtain nor the meaning of rich friendships. How can i turn the left cheek from the very ideals i am fighting for when my deeds clash with my words? How can i judge that person based on a mass while i claim that i am against war?
How. how. why. why. why. how.

Goodness. a reason for everything. an understanding i may never grasp. a reason...what is it..or what are they....? what. what. what. why. how.
Even i can't give you an answer for all those questions. If you put aside your ego you might be able to recognize it as questions of your own. maybe not.
It's life. the way of life. So we make the most of what we already have. And as humans we will always want more.

Subconsciously every now and then we go against what we preach. It's scary. Even i admit to it. But it's a fact. And however we may see it, in whatever light; whether we are doing it obviously or not, subconsciously or not, controversially or otherwise; it happens.

I feel living an unexpressed life aches. Hence even the smallest awed beauty is expressed. Whether it matters to you or not, it matters to me.
It's a matter of how we express ourselves. and what perhaps.

I don't mean to go against what i may claim to be fighting for. But merely being depressed because of a part of the world that is sick and doomed doesn't really help either. Life goes on and the illusion of time that exists in forever now moments is only moving forward. We all have a part to play.
Even just one can make a difference. And that's entirely up to you.
......
*This week...
Quite a number of people have scoliosis and don't realize it. I have it. maybe that's why i have a keen eye for it.
In the news: Schoolyard Slayings, Newark, New Jersey.
Health news: 1O Symptoms Not To Ignore

......
Forgive me for any offending views or statements. We're diverse human beings. We live in a world defined by borders. Variety! Unique! Weird! Strange! Different! Same! Same difference!?

4thJuneO7.

Footsteps outside my door
In a far-fetched imagination, it is fear
But for some it is real

Broken records holding you on
Or maybe it's the other way round
But the summer breeze just breaths memories
A childhood never forgot;

A broken rainbow stained in the sky
The taste of salt in the breeze
Old school music
Back in the days when matrimony meant forever
When God watches at night with a hundred billion eyes
When the blackout candles entitled you to one wish
The emptiness when the party's over
The evening adventures
New year's bond fires
Talks of love at a tender age of 9
The day fairy tales only belonged in movies or story books
When you walk against the wind with an umbrella,
In hopes it will blow you away to another world (Do not try this at home)
Catching falling leaves
The worth of 50cents back then
When raws with little brothers could turn vicious
When dreams were so beautiful you could hardly wait to grow up
And then reality hits

You are now where you used to look from a far;
Tomorrow has become your todays.

Recap.End.Begin.

Recap of the 4th Semester....

This semester started out pretty good. I came back with fresh hopes and determinations for things that changed and the things i wanted to change.
The first few weeks were fabulous. I was a walking sunshine. The view from my balcony changed in a way; the feelings changed; in a good way. And love was great.

But life throws challenges at the very things you strive to change or attain. Any new vow beckons trial. And mine was put to the test.

For one, writing has saved me.
I may not be as good as my sister but i love it no less. And well you don't have to be measured good in writing to be able to write. i mean if it helps, just write; spill your expressions in your own words. It's for you. :)
Anyways, i type in the days on Word more than i write them in my journal nowadays cause it seemed more convenient. But i still love Blooking!

Well. this semester i would say was much better than the past two. but the past semesters served their purpose and i have no regrets.

It seems so ironic. but it is the way it is. and it is the way i perceived it to be.

Earlier this year, i was a mediator for most and a faithful listening ear. i answered to calls of dear friends in crisis. and i learned a lot too from helping others. i recognized some of the situations as ones i have gone through as well in the past. even ones that i knew i would anticipate soon in time.

27th January'O7-

Where you are now

Sometimes you might forget

The horizons that are yet to cross your path

Once in a while it’s good to look ahead

Imagine a beautiful life

And come back to the moments you have with you now

Live each day with a smile in your heart

Know and believe in the beautiful days to come

Cherish the beautiful days you have now

Keep smiling

You will get there

. . . . . . .

Well looking back i have been pretty optimistic. I carried on positively despite the unexpected twist and turns of life. and looking for the good in the not so good things has helped a lot. i know it ain't easy but we do have the power to change our lives. (hohoho)

Grew much closer to my classmates this sem. We barely had lunch at college anymore so we would drive out for lunches. it was coolies. and one time i joined in on the Counter Strike team (-_-). being the only girl in class, it was fun i guess kicking ass these hardcore gamers. ha-ha.

February'O7-

Through the sunshine & the bliss

Was a reason to believe

Through the tears & heartache

Was the determination to change

I could have let go

Literally

But I learned and have grown

With this new hope in the heart

Taking its first steps

It is never easy

For any new vow beckons trial

Some days I smile through it

But some days I feel like giving up

I no longer hold a hand to be with

I no longer expect much…

I give this heart willingly

Realizing that I still hope it be held on a pedestal

No more…

No more…

I no longer push nor stand still

I’m moving forward

I’m taking you with me

Let’s move forward

Lets…

. . . . . . .

[January-May 2OO7]

Most over-used word: what?

Most over-used phrase: Time flies by so fast!

My broken record: too many to mention....i love music :)

My thirst quenchers: Green tea, Justea, Vanilla Milkshake, Fresh Milk, Teas and Coffee...Water.

My hunger satisfiers: Spaghetti, Porridge, Fruits, Lamb chop....take out!

Mind cussing: Mother E!

Books: Fiona Harrold, The Road Less Traveled and Beyond (still reading), The Wildlife Year....Art & Fashion magz for inspiration

Nail color: Vain Purple, Pastel Pink, Glittery Silver

Peeves: lack of sleep, late buses, rude people

Loves: chilling at the balcony, my besties, nice weather, the cooling breeze, singing on a bad day, vanilla milkshake on...any day :) , laughing, a beautiful sky, the night sky(!), when it starts raining right after i reach my stop, when my mommy texts me, when my dad calls, when my lil' sis says 'I love you!', when i force my lil' bros to tell me they miss me *evil grin*, good surprises, good food, real people, ma'am patricia's lectures, inspiration, when mayzy is such a doinker, when vivi and dudu are such doinkers, good movies, sleep.....mucho mucho....

. . . . . . .

Before i knew it, the tables were turned. it was my turn to reach out. and dear friends gladly answered my call. it was weird at first. but i was non the less grateful to be blessed with such beloved people. thank you :)
And yes, surprisingly though i had anticipated some things, what i had lost, i had gained a hundred times more. and it would not have been possible had i not been counting my blessings. cause it would have been so much easier to over-look the little joys of life. but hey, i chose otherwise.

to be continued...

Desert Dawn.

The dawn too is a memory
Of home and of you
The whispers that escape the early mornings
Before life breaks the still of rest
The twilights that drown in the great light
It is calm.
Change does take place
And songs do take you on rides
To yesterdays or hopeful tomorrows
The poet sleeps in the tranquil moments
And stirs to the splashed colors on the canvas that is life
It is beautiful
Through all its brokenness and flaws
It is human
It is life
And it is how you paint it.

-7.OO am.23rdMayO7.

Huhu~ It's been a while....
Today is the day of presentation once again.
Yesterday was a good day--for printing.
: )
It only started pouring as my bus arrived home.
And the breeze for the walk back was so serene.
Emo-ness.
Ha-ha
C h e e r S

At ends will
There are new bounds created.
I strive for the last belief
That i can cope with.

I watch people stare at other people and wonder what goes through their minds.

Sometimes i feel reckless; i feel ungroomed;
i feel less than perfect (not perfect to begin with);
my hair a mess; my complexion bare; and my scents naked;
my being is less proper;
i feel the breeze run through my hair;
touch the dirt with reckless abandon;
embrace care freeness;
and i love it.

Some people like it straightforward. It ain't always about how you like it. but how you get it. i begin with why my amazement never ceases to last. for possibilities as the word itself suggests, can be a predictable unpredictability. one might not understand. when one does maybe because of similar events that a line of words seem to find relevance or meaning. there was a reason for such accounts to take place, to define you as who you are today. it ain't perfect. but you have a choice. the days when you didn't, look again, there's a chance as well. it's up to you. are you conscious of such things? it's unexpected of all mankind to grasp such a mutual understanding of things. then again, it falls under reason. for the wheel of life does go on. it's mad. it's sickening. it's beautiful. it's insane. it's everything it's turned out to be. it's everything it shouldn't be. or could be better. it's for oneself. but we don't make it alone in this world.

Life is not Random

If you love someone
It may be a risk to let that someone know
Why?
Because you risk loosing them instead of what you hoped for otherwise
And when you don’t you torture yourself;
And you might regret;
For not ever telling at all;
When it is too late
When that person is gone
Or when you are.
Sometimes we fear for that awkwardness
Sometimes we create it
Sometimes we fear being known or being understood
Or that things will change
And you are now seen in a different light
Tell me what is different?
I guess there is…
To see now what you never saw before, but what was always there.
But when you don’t tell
You can’t expect them to know
Just by pointing out to the obvious signs;
You can’t always assume…
People don’t always take it how you think they would
It’s foolish but it’s true
If you want to, then say it…say it!
If you don’t…then don’t look back and regret
It’s unfair but you cannot expect
You can hope…but you cannot force…
This thing called Love….
And hey, a risk?

What is a risk?

To succeed or to fail
To find the same connection or rejection
To be happy or to be disappointed
To gain or to loose
Isn’t this life…
Sometimes it does harm to try
Despite the saying ‘there’s no harm in trying’
But that’s all down to you
It’s like listening
LISTENING
True listening is with-holding your judgments to the things that you might not agree on;
But not meaning that you accept them;
You’re listening to another point of view;
And you respect that;
Coming from another individual;
Who like you, has had their fair share of experiences in life
Then again, it comes down to how we perceive these experiences.
The point is,
Because you want it, you’re prepared to loose it
Whatever comes, comes
Whatever may be, let it be
At least you don’t look back to say you never gave it a shot
You did
It didn’t work out
What the hey,
You won’t die knowing you didn’t even take the chance
What is gladness without disappointments?
What is sunshine without rain?
Or what is rain without sunshine?
Sigh…
It’s hard to put it all down in one piece
Because everything is connected
And there is always more
There are always reasons
Understood or not,
Accepted or not,
Known at all or not
Sometimes, the timing was bad,
The situation does not permit
But even so, things don’t always happen in perfect conditions
You can’t always wait for the right time
Sometimes, you got to make it.

You’re an individual
With a life going on
And you know better the canvas of your life
And hey, that person there, he has a life too
Though he doesn’t seem like much
He’s an individual too.
And hey, that other guy over there, he seems to have it all together
But you have no idea what he's been through or what he's going through.
And I cannot begin to describe what one soul goes through from birth to the moment now.
You just never know.
But know that the word 'possibility' goes a long way
So though judgments may be passed
I still believe in chances.

All that you are today
Is because of all that you have gone through in your life

It’s all down to y o u

Full Moon

Playing: Contradanza -Vanessa Mae

Hot damn, this song! One of my all time favourite....it's my soul's escape.... :)
Well just musing over some thoughts. starting to pick up my work pace again...well i have to, considering i only have around 2 weeks more to go. yes...and workaholic aimz is such the anti-social. haha. kidding....but heck i've been telling people i just wanna focus on this last 2 weeks so lay off~! seriously....well...i can't be bothered so pardon~ne~mua! i'm trying my best here okay...and sometimes we need to be a little selfish. i'm just not one to look back and wished i'd have done my best when it's already too late. i began, so im'a finish what i started!

Thoughts, thoughts....

*stares at yellow post-its on the wall*

'I am letting go of that part that makes me afraid and holding me captive. I am LETTING GO of this fear. There are worse fears out there that are FOR REAL for some people elsewhere or even close by.'

Me. i made yet another rash decision. goodness woman, when are you going to learn!

I remember that bright shooting star and that breath-taking night canvas....i miss everything held in that moment.

Personal.

Time: 9.33 pm
Listening to: So Hard -Ciara
Feeling: =) + annoyed + @_@ (all at once?!?)


April is closing in.
That cooling breeze last night still lingers.
Green tea to awaken senses.
Slumbered up with a nice book.
Babe, that song is so nostalgic.
I am so grateful to even have you in my life =)
Yes, you. And you, and you too.
You were erased just like that? Never.
Anger kept turns bitter.
Far from it would i have it in such a state.
Let by gones be by gones.
Damned if you do? damned if you don't?
There was a reason for it all.
Luu, sayang banget sama lu.
Siso Va, dreams are still awaiting to be carved out of untouchable clouds.
Bow, Bali awaits,no?! *kachings*
Hey, there's no harm in taking a chance....
Babe..... =]
Sisters! *solute*
Damned!
That moment....that moment!
Now playing: Letting Go -Brooke Hogan
Daddy.....strum me that song again....
Maybe i did fall from a shooting star....?

Sincerely Me.

Thank You

My deepest and heartfelt THANK YOU to the people i cherish in my life.
The people who have always been there for me;
The people i just recently got to know;
The people who have walked in and out of my life;
The people who have left footprints in my heart;
The people who have turned around one last time;
The people who've not given up;
The people who have touched my life;
The people whom i've only crossed paths with once but have left behind an unforgetable piece;
The people close by to me;
The people far from me yet close in heart;
The people who used to be there;
The people i see and interact with everyday;
The people who have been my teachers, family & friends;
Strangers, colleagues, classmates, lovers;
G o D
i t h a n k y o u